Hard-wired for Attachment

Title: Hard-wired for Attachment
Author: Sarah Pennock

Working as an Attachment-Based Therapist I try to support my clients in understanding why they respond to others in relationships the way they do. How loved or unloved we feel as children deeply affects the formation of our self-esteem and self-acceptance. It shapes our expectations of others, if we ‘deserve’ having our needs met, and how we seek love.

“Love is essentially a form of focused and generous presence – a special kind of authentic engagement” (Dr Deborah Campbell, 2017). When someone in your childhood consistently indicates that you are worthy and good enough just the way you are, this becomes part of your reality as your sense of identity develops.

If our primary caregivers (parents or nanny or grandparents) are inconsistent in their emotional presence / engagement, or are consistently emotionally unavailable, we can form beliefs: ‘I must be flawed, I am not ok, I am unlovable’, and these beliefs can be carried into adulthood, negatively impacting our relationships.

As children we unconsciously tend to assume our parents’ failings must be about us, because we are hard-wired to idolise them for the first few years of life at least, because we have to rely on them for every aspect of our survival. That’s why we may blame ourselves rather than them for some of our disappointments or for problems in the family that actually have little to do with us.

Not all parents realise that just being physically present, isn’t enough.

Our relationship with our childhood caregivers creates an ‘attachment style’ for how we manage close relationships later in life. Attachment styles range from being secure and trusting, to avoiding intimacy, or to experiencing crippling ambivalence. Some people with an ambivalent attachment style become preoccupied with seeking love and attention and tend to feel powerless, needy, and insecure in relationships. They feel ambivalent about intimacy, and often lose confidence in themselves as lovable. They long for closeness with others but feel afraid of being rejected again. It feels safer to keep to themselves, rather than reach out to others because there is less risk of humiliation.

Others seek love intently, then run when it’s returned or becomes intense (overwhelming) because it feels dangerous to let someone get too close, because their ‘flaws’ will be exposed. Insecure or ambivalent attachment styles lend themselves to self-defeating patterns of trying to love while defending a heart that feels vulnerable.

Childhood attachment disruption can result in an unconscious fear of loss, or rejection, or abandonment, and lie at the core of so much relationship pain and struggle. Of course, the self-sabotaging patterns are usually unconscious, meaning we don’t understand why we’re doing what we’re doing. They were formed before we had words to describe what was going on for us. That’s why they can be so hard to identify and break.

Some children discover that pleasing others wins praise. Pleasing others is great, but only if you don’t negate your own desires in the process. Insecurely attached people will neglect their own needs, feeling afraid to risk putting themselves first in life.

Change starts when we realise these aspects of ourselves, and courageously make conscious choices to do things differently.

The first step is to cultivate self-awareness, leading to self-compassion and the building of self-worth. Developing self-esteem takes time, patience, and practice. Develop the things you are good at or the things you love – or take time to discover what these might be. Take measured risks to step out of your comfort zone.

Develop and maintain a focus on your well-being through sleep, rest, nutrition, hydration, connection and play. Attending to your self-care is vital in nurturing your emotional robustness and stability.

Challenge your internal critic, and develop a more positive narrative about your strengths, rather than focussing on your flaws.

And try to make sense of your life so far, gaining understanding and acceptance about the decisions and behaviour of your early caregivers, and your decisions and behaviour up to this point, so that you can change the self-defeating patterns and move forward in life with an evolving sense of emotional freedom.

For more information on Attachment-Based Therapy, please contact me.